Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
