highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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