I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
