God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
