so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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