thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
