Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
