happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
