My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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