You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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