what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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