I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
