My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize