I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
