I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
