So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
