The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
