Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
