I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
