I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
