so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
