operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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