the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize