OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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