I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the day after is always just damage control
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
