my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
