I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just gift wrapped bread.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
