his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize