420 ftw
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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