I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
