A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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