Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
