I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
