So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
