i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
