Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
