sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
