I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
