I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
