I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
