Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
