pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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