Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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