your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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