Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
