i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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