New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
