I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
