Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
