so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
