So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
