There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You're like the curious george of whores
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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