Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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