I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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