So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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