This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
