I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
