I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
