I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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