fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am full of burrito and curiosity
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
