I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
