I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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