You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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